Helping Your Preschool and Elementary School-Age Children Cope with Separation and Divorce

Separation and divorce is hard on kids. It can be especially difficult for younger children who may not fully understand what is happening and rely on their parents to meet their emotional needs. They can pick up on their parents’ emotions and might even blame themselves for the marriage ending. Importantly, some of the biggest factors that affect children’s emotional well-being during divorce are very much within the control of the parents.

Here are several tips on how you can help your preschool and elementary school-age children through divorce.

1. Be Honest with Your Children

Children will want to know how the separation and divorce will affect them — and it’s critical to communicate honestly. Even if they are in preschool or elementary school, children usually understand more than you might think. Although it’s not a good idea to get into the details of your divorce, explain what is happening in an age-appropriate way. Talk with them about what will change and what will stay the same. Explain how the new situation will work, who will take care of them, where they will live, and any other concerns they might have to ease their minds.

2. Listen to Your Children’s Questions

During separation and divorce, your preschool or elementary-aged child is likely to have many questions. Be supportive, thoughtful, and reassuring as you listen to their concerns. To become a better listener, keep the following in mind:

• Listen without judgment
• Don’t try to change or fix your child’s feelings
• Try to understand your child’s perspective
• Separate your own feelings from your child’s feelings
• Don’t assign blame to your former spouse

Timing is important when you discuss separation and divorce with your children. Choose a time when you won’t be interrupted and are able to help your children process their emotions. If possible, sit down with your spouse and children to listen to their concerns and answer any questions together. You might also consider working with a mediator who can assist you and your spouse with planning the discussion.

3. Help Your Children Manage Their Emotions

Younger children often tend to feel grief, guilt, unease, and worry during separation and divorce. They might also experience anger, have nightmares, or regress to inappropriate behaviors for their age such as becoming reattached to a baby blanket or having difficulty with their sleep routine. Older children may be struggling with issues of abandonment. Respect your children’s emotions by listening and allowing your child to feel heard. Validate your child’s emotions by letting them know you understand why they might feel that way and invite them to share more about how they feel.

4. Maintain a Routine

Children thrive on routines and rely on them for stability. Try to maintain the same mealtimes, bedtimes, and school schedule as much as possible. It may be helpful to post a calendar to show them where they will be each day. Your children will be reassured if you keep a consistent and predictable routine. This can help them settle more quickly and with less struggle.

5. Work Together with Your Co-Parent to Help Your Children Adjust

As much as possible, it’s essential to model good behaviors to your children and present as a unified front with your co-parent. Don’t speak negatively about your ex-spouse or engage in conflict in front of the children. When working together as co-parents, it’s crucial to keep the following tips in mind to ensure a productive relationship:

• Put the best interests of your children first
• Communicate in a healthy manner
• Be flexible and reasonable
• Set clear boundaries to protect your emotional and mental health
• Try to control your emotions
• Establish a consistent routine for both households

If your ex-spouse isn’t willing to cooperate with you to co-parent, do your best to set routines and expectations for the children in your own home.

6. Help Your Children Get the Support They Need

If you notice that your preschool or elementary school-age child is struggling with your separation and divorce, help them get the support they need. This might include speaking with a therapist, school counselor, clergy member, or support group. It is also a good idea to talk with your child’s teacher so that they can look out for behavioral changes and provide the support your child might need in the classroom. You can also help your child by encouraging them to get involved in extracurricular activities they will enjoy — participation in after school clubs, sports, and extracurricular activities can improve a child’s mental health, help them develop social skills, and give them confidence.

Contact an Experienced Missouri Divorce and Family Law Attorney

If you are wondering how to help your children through separation and divorce, a compassionate family law attorney can make all the difference — and help ensure the best interests of your children are met. Providing personalized attention in every case, divorce and family law attorney Mark A. Wortman provides skillful representation to clients in the greater Kansas City, Missouri area for divorce matters and a wide array of family law issues.

If you are going through divorce, schedule a confidential consultation to learn how attorney Mark A. Wortman can help with your case. Please contact him today online or by calling (816) 523-6100.