Bird Nesting: Is Keeping Kids in the Family Home During Divorce a Good Idea?

Deciding to divorce is especially tough when you have children. This life change (even when it’s for the best) often leads to worry about upsetting the kids’ status quo. After all, there is real value in the known, like the comforts of the family home, predictable schedules, and playtime or hang time with neighborhood friends. Divorcing parents often wonder how much of the existing structure they can maintain for their kids as family dynamics shift.

Enter bird nesting.

For those unfamiliar with the term, bird nesting is a temporary custody and living arrangement that some co-parents use while their divorce is pending. In a typical bird nesting scenario, children stay in the family home while each parent takes turns residing there with them. At first glance, bird nesting may appear to be an ideal temporary, middle-ground arrangement for children while their parents’ divorce is pending. And in some cases, this can be true.

But bird nesting isn’t for everyone.

A family’s needs are unique, so whether this temporary arrangement is a good choice for you depends highly on a handful of factors, which we’ll get to in a bit. Before that, let’s talk more about the ins and outs of bird nesting, and how Missouri courts approach it when addressing custody matters. Then we’ll provide insight into what makes or breaks a bird-nesting setup, ending with the bottom line: how much does it cost to live this way?

Key Takeaways

• Bird nesting is a type of temporary custody arrangement in which children stay in the family home while parents rotate time residing there with the children.
• Judges can’t impose bird nesting as a custody arrangement; they can allow it in temporary custody orders when both parents agree to the framework, and the judge believes the arrangement is in the best interests of the child.
• There are a handful of essentials needed for bird nesting to be successful for all involved.
• A common misconception is that bird nesting is a more affordable option than traditional two-home splits.
• If you and your spouse want to co-parent under a bird nesting arrangement, it’s crucial to have a written plan in place beforehand that addresses current details and future changes.

What Bird Nesting After Divorce Involves

To some, bird nesting seems like a slam-dunk way to provide more stability for kids during an already emotionally difficult and trying time. And that can absolutely be true in certain cases. After all, this setup means no packing of kids’ suitcases when it’s time to spend time at the other parent’s new home, and that bedrooms, schools, time with neighborhood friends, and other daily routines remain the same.

Bird nesting needs an actual schedule, just like a traditional parenting plan would. In this way, bird nesting can provide a level of stability to your children’s lives while the logistics of how your divorce will play out are still uncertain.

Does a Missouri Court Have to Approve Nesting?

In a word, no. Bird nesting exists outside the standard options a judge would impose for a custody arrangement. So, it’s typically something parents themselves propose as a temporary framework while the divorce is pending (though some may choose to stick with it beyond the date of the divorce decree).

But the fact that bird nesting isn’t on a Missouri judge’s roster of custody plans doesn’t mean it’s off limits to a judge’s approval. Missouri law allows either parent to request temporary custody and related orders while the case works its way through the court process. Under the Revised Statutes of Missouri 452.380, divorcing parties may request a temporary custody order if they also submit an affidavit supporting their plan. The court may then award this temporary custody after a hearing or, if the parties agree, solely on the basis of their affidavits. This specific law allows a bird-nesting arrangement to be built into a temporary agreement if both parents desire this structure.

The standard judges use if there is a hearing on the nesting plan is the same one they use for any parenting arrangement: the best interest of the child standard. Revised Statutes of Missouri 452.375 says that, unless there is some serious exception, the policy of Missouri is that “frequent, continuing and meaningful contact with both parents after the parents have separated or dissolved their marriage is in the best interest of the child.” It goes on to say that courts are encouraged to “enter a temporary parenting plan as early as practicable in a proceeding under this chapter.”

As alluded to earlier in this section, some co-parents choose to keep the bird-nesting setup even after the divorce is finalized. The key to making sure this arrangement works, avoids confusion, and covers how to switch to a different plan if it stops working is to put it in writing as part of any temporary plan or court order.

What Makes Nesting Work, and What Tends to Break It

As with anything else, the ideal doesn’t guarantee an outcome. The success of bird nesting hinges on how well you and your former spouse (not just your children) adapt to this change in living situations.

Nesting can be a useful arrangement, at least temporarily, for parents who communicate openly and respect each other's boundaries. On the other hand, if there is a great deal of conflict, this arrangement might lead to new problems.

In a nutshell, you and your spouse should be on the same page about:

• Cooperation between the two of you on everyday decisions: Sharing one home means agreeing on house rules, child-related activities and schedules, and functional issues such as groceries, bills, cleaning standards, and home repairs and maintenance. Separate households don’t require this level of cooperation between spouses.
• A genuine willingness to keep conflict out of the shared space: The point of bird nesting is to maximize stability and predictability for kids. This stability can quickly evaporate if the home itself becomes another place where emotions and tension about the divorce show up.
• A realistic plan for where each parent goes during their time away: The space you choose should be definite and affordable.

Bird nesting works when the co-parenting relationship is genuinely cooperative, with proper planning on the front end and throughout the living arrangement. Without these elements, the success of these types of living arrangements tends to suffer and can even create more stress than stability.

The Real Cost of Keeping the Family Home in the Mix

There is a common misconception that leads some parents to consider bird-nesting. As ex-spouses move from a partnered, two-earner home to separate, one-earner homes, money becomes a key concern.

At first blush, bird nesting often appears to be the more affordable option to traditional custody arrangements. It makes sense to think this. Setting up two new households with duplicate stuff for the kids adds up quickly, from basics like bedroom furniture to extras like tablets, computers, and gaming consoles. And things you never paid much attention to (streaming services, anyone?) now affect your bottom line. Minimizing high upfront costs should save you in the long run, right?

Not when we frame the setup as a move from one house to three houses. And realistically, that’s what bird nesting often entails; each co-parent has their own place, and the kids live in the shared family home. Add it up, and it becomes clear why these custody arrangements are so often temporary, even when they work well for the kids. Bird nesting is much more expensive than a clean and standard two-household split.

Talk to an Attorney Before You Try Bird Nesting

Nesting works for some families and not for others. The success of a bird-nesting plan hinges on whether the parents can navigate the cooperation required by the plan, as well as practical logistics and costs. No matter how appealing this temporary custody plan is to you and your co-parent, though, it’s always best to create a clear plan by putting pen to paper.

Attorney Mark Wortman helps parents in the Kansas City area evaluate whether bird nesting fits their specific circumstances and then create a workable temporary custody arrangement in writing, whether nesting or another approach. Learn more on our Child Custody page or contact Mark Wortman to schedule a consultation about creating a temporary custody plan that fits your family.